You know how some scary movies include a scene where someone stares at an incomprehensible horror and their eyes start to bleed? Then they turn, screaming to the rest of their party, before collapsing on the ground in a pool of viscera?
That was the Jets on Sunday. They lost to the Dolphins in one of the most stunningly surreal events of the season. It takes a special level of ability to lose to Miami, a team that, by all accounts and sensibility, is actively trying to tank its season. Yet, here we are.
Jets fans are looking for answers, and understandably so. How does a team go from beating the Cowboys a few short weeks ago to now losing to the Dolphins? Inconsistency? Lack of vision?
No, I believe I have discovered the reason for the Jets’ struggles:
Adam Gase is a gorgon.
Commonly lumped under the name “Medusa,” who was a gorgon herself, gorgi (I assume that’s the plural here) have snakes for hair and turn things to stone with a single look. It’s my fervent belief that Gase has the ability to slowly drag a team down and turn them into statues, hence why the Jets were able to lose on Sunday.
The tricky thing about a gorgon is that they’ll lure you in, lulling you into a false sense of security before you realize your life is forfeit. Miami learned this already when Gase took the team to 10-6 in 2016 before withering the Dolphins to the point of atrophy. That’s what’s happening with the Jets now too — just at a much more rapid rate.
Think about it: Why was Gase allegedly so upset when Sam Darnold made his comments about “seeing ghosts”? He knew this would arouse suspicion to the specters of those who Gase turned to granite and presumably stashed under MetLife Stadium like Jimmy Hoffa.
When it was all over he said he wasn’t embarrassed to lose to the Dolphins.
Adam Gase asked if the #Jets’ loss/season is embarrassing: “It’s the NFL. You can’t be embarrassed by this shit.”
— Mike Garafolo (@MikeGarafolo) November 3, 2019
This is precisely the lack of emotion a gorgon would show. Fact is, the Jets looked sluggish on Sunday. The defense couldn’t find a way to stop Ryan Fitzpatrick — RYAN FITZPATRICK! It’s almost like they were … turning to stone.
All it took was one gaze.
Thankfully, things were a little happier around the rest of the league.
Popeyes is the greatest motivator in the NFL.
— Will Brinson (@WillBrinson) November 3, 2019
Week after week, we’ve grown accustomed to Deshaun Watson giving us incredible breakdowns of opposing defenses and how he attacks them. His secret to success was very simple this week in London: Spicy chicken sandwiches from Popeyes.
I’ve become conditioned to believe every word that comes out of Watson’s mouth, so I absolutely have to believe this is true. He went off against the Jaguars, completing almost 80 percent of his passes en route to a 26-3 win. The sandwich gets the credit on this one.
It’s not just Watson, though. More players are believing in the power of Popeyes.
— SoleCollector.com (@SoleCollector) November 3, 2019
This all tracks. NFL players want reliability above everything else. They want a food item they can count on, and one that will be there for them each and every week. Popeyes is open on Sunday. It’s there for them, and the power of the spicy sandwich is undeniable.
LACES OUT RIGOBERTO!
Sanchez spun the laces right in toward Vinatieri and the outcome is …not good pic.twitter.com/4BuHTRZmOY
— Christian D’Andrea (@TrainIsland) November 3, 2019
The laces-in kick might be my favorite thing in sports. There’s nothing that seems more minor to non-sports fans that turns million-dollar athletes into utterly useless lumps of nothingness.
At this point, we can probably all appreciate how important the laces are to an NFL kicker, but I still love that Adam Vinatieri, arguably the greatest kicker in NFL history, turned into your high school third-string kicker who’s only on the team to get a P.E. credit.
Someone please teach the Dolphins how to celebrate.
This is the most Dolphins celebration ever pic.twitter.com/vDdNZJzPdh
— Pick Six Podcast (@picksixpod) November 3, 2019
It’s like watching a baby try to take its first steps and faceplanting. There hasn’t been much to celebrate this season for the Dolphins, I get it — but this is just sad.
Here’s the worst take of the week.
Matt Moore beats Kirk Cousins, as I predicted on Undisputed. I’m certainly not saying Moore is better than Mahomes. But the Chiefs are playing with more spirit and fight than they did for Mahomes, who lost his last two home games.
— Skip Bayless (@RealSkipBayless) November 3, 2019
It’s even worse than this idiot at SB Nation who claimed Gase was a gorgon.
Denzel Ward made the best fashion choice in NFL history on Sunday.
Browns cornerback Denzel Ward made a simple decision I hope will send shock waves through the NFL. Instead of wearing a standard, boring mouthguard, he decided to wear one with a full set of teeth on them.
This might seem boring UNTIL YOU SEE THE PHOTOS!
Put this directly into my veins. Normally I would never bother to look up photos of defensive backs unless it’s to illustrate a point. Now if this continues, part of my weekly routine will be looking at every photo of any player with the guts to wear a novelty mouthguard.
Matthew Judon is all of us.
Extremely strong relate. It takes a lot of self-awareness to say you’re “Body by Taco Bell” on live TV and totally own it. Of course, we should have expected it, because Judon has been extolling the virtues of Taco Bell since before he was drafted.
Never stop dunking on people who said Lamar Jackson should play wide receiver.
Everyone has bad takes in their sports file, but the suggestion that Jackson was only going to make the NFL as a wide receiver is a level of stupidity we haven’t seen in a while, which is impressive considering the plethora of dumb NFL takes.
Also don’t forget that FOUR quarterbacks were taken before him in the 2018 NFL Draft. Let’s check in on how they’re doing, shall we?
2018 NFL Draft QB comparison
In March 2018, there were people actually trying to explain away Jackson’s Heisman Trophy and his college success with dumb shit like his hand size. I mean, we all know why this keeps happening — but that doesn’t change the fact we should continuously and rigorously dunk on these idiots until they are shamed into changing their methodology on evaluating quarterbacks. Assuming there’s much methodology there at all.
It feels petty to mention the Patriots lost their first game of the season and everyone outside of New England is downright giddy about it.
So I won’t mention it.