New Era released new MLB and NBA hats as part of its new “Team Describe” line this week, and goodness, are they something. These hats are so bad that they’re now my favorite hats in existence.
The core concept is simple: Stick stuff on team hats beyond the logo that represents the cities themselves. But they look as if they were designed by someone who has never been to those cities, instead pulling loose facts from a poorly edited Wikipedia page.
GET IT BECAUSE IT’S THE BIG APPLE?!
Look, I’m all for blending team and city spirit to make something special, but this feels like needless pandering. I’m not saying New York hats should feature a creepy dude masturbating on the subway, but I’m also not not saying it.
In any event, let’s move away from that image and onto looking at the five best/worst hats I absolutely want to buy for the novelty alone.
No. 1 — San Francisco Giants / Golden State Warriors
It’s a trolley car and sushi. I like both of these things, but I especially like them on a hat. None of the New Era “Team Describe” hats looks more like your grandma’s embroidery than this one, and it’s so bad I need it in my life.
No. 2 — Houston Astros/ Houston Rockets
I chose to display the Rockets hat here because it’s just so hilarious to put a rocket next to the Rockets logo. Also a steak because Texas, I suppose — but who the hell stabs through and entire T-bone with a long serving fork? At best, you’re losing juices. At worst, you’re hitting the bone and dulling your good fork.
Personally, I’m surprised this is used for the Astros too, because I assumed their hat already existed.
No. 3 — Boston Red Sox / Boston Celtics
Paul Revere and a lobster roll. I’m starting to see the theme here. It’s [thing city has] and [stereotypical food from city]. The issue here is that the lobster roll looks like a blood and cream cheese sandwich.
No. 4 — Chicago Cubs / Chicago White Sox / Chicago Bulls
Chicago flag is good. Deep dish pizza still looks gross, even in cartoon hat form.
This one maybe makes the most sense functionally, but goodness, this is bad execution. This is a sad-ass, run-of-the-mill taco you could find at any basic taco place in the Midwest. It’s just ground beef and cheddar cheese and you can see it from a mile away.
Where’s the carne asada? Where’s the cotija cheese? This is a sad taco and an affront to Los Angeles.